Divorce

This week in class we have been talking a pretty sad topic if I say so myself, and that is Divorce.
Divorce did not peak until the 1970's when the "No Fault" divorce was passed in California. After it came as a law there it was a law everywhere and it tripled the Divorce rate.

Some things that I have learned while talking about this topic was that 70% of Americans, after two years of being divorced said they could have saved the marriage, but didn't.

Another thing that I learned is that 50% of all marriages DON'T end up in Divorce. It is actually said that 75% of people stay Happily Married.

Divorce is something that has effected many lives through the years. I know that it has effected my Husbands life when he watched it with his mother and father. It is always very hard on the children, and as I learned in class, children whose parents divorce have a higher chance of divorce also, but I don't believe that. Because like we talked about a few weeks ago, it is all in how you handle the crisis that hits your life. My Husband has a wonderful relationship with both his Mother and Father, and is also an amazing Husband. Together we have learned to discuss things as a couple and always make decisions together.

Parenting #2

Ok, Hold on... This might be a long one. But I wanted to share some principles on parenting that I have learned and have applied to some scriptures and or quotes for General authorities. The principles that I have learned are taken from the Books Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Laurence Steinberg.
 

Principle #1

Don’t be in a Hurry:

“We can’t always control our schedules, even if it would be nice to have more time…parents become more controlling when time is short, just as they do when they’re in public. The combination of the two conditions is a killer. When you have some quiet time, sit down with your spouse to determine where it might be possible to change your schedule in order to reduce the likelihood of having to rush your child…”Don’t be in a hurry” has another meaning. It might be thought of as a remind to slow down and savor your time with your kids, they grow up fast, and it’s true.” Kohn page 138-139

Doctrine and Covenants 88:32 “ And they who remain shall also be quickened; nevertheless they shall return again to their own place to enjoy that which they are willing to receive…”

“There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions…Let us simplify our lives a little. Let us make the changes necessary to refocus our lives on the sublime beauty of the simple, humble path of Christian discipleship—the path that leads always toward a life of meaning, gladness, and peace”. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Principle #2

Can you spoil your Child with Love?

“If parents would worry more about not paying enough attention to their children and less about spoiling them, the world would be a better place…but I’ve never met a child who was worse off because his parents loved him too much. It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love… your child will not be harmed by being told every single day that you love him. Your child will not be harmed by being reminded that she is a source of endless happiness for you. Taking the time to rock your child to sleep before putting her to bed is as good for you as it is for her. Steinberg page 27-31

While it make be possible to spoil kids with too many things, it isn't possible to

Spoil them with too much (unconditional) love." Kohn page 153

Moroni 8:17 “And I am filled with charity, which is everlasting love; wherefore all children are alike unto me; wherefore, I love little children with a perfect love; and they are all alike and partakers of salvation.”

Jacob 3:7 “Behold their husbands love their wives, and their wives love their husbands; and their husbands and their wives love their children…”

Principle #3

Hear your Child’s Point of View

“You are not the only one who has an opinion about the rules that structure your child’s life. Your child has a point of view, too. It’s often a good idea to find out what it is. Sometimes your child’s opinion is reasonable, sensible and logical. Many times, it’s not. But you’ll never know if you never ask.” Steinberg page 170

Moses 1:2 “And he say God face to face, and he talked with him…”

Principle #4

The Failure of Rewards

“Researchers have found that children who are rewarded for doing something nice are less likely to think of themselves as nice people. Instead they tend to attribute their behavior to the reward. Then when there’s no longer a good to be gained, they’re less likely to help than are kids who weren’t given a reward in the first place…After all, they’ve learned that the point of coming to someone’s aid is just to get a reward. Kohn page 32

Alma 26:11-12 “… I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom…yeah I know that I am nothing as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God”

Principle #5

Capabilities of Children

“…Some parents don’t understand-or else they just ignore- how kids below a certain age simply can’t be expected to eat nearly or keep quiet in a public place. Young children don’t yet possess the skills that would make it sensible to hold them accountable for their behavior in the same what that we hold an adult or even an older child accountable….They become frustrated by what they see as inappropriate behavior and crack down on little kids for being little kids.” Kohn page 100-101

Moroni 8:22 “For behold that all little children are alive in Christ, and also all they that are without the law. For the power of redemption cometh on all them that have no law; wherefore, he that is not condemned, or he that is under no condemnation, cannot repent; and unto such baptism availeth nothing.”

Principle #6

Adjust your parenting to your Childs temperament.

“All children come into the world with an inborn temperament that influences how active they are, how easily they become frustrated or distressed, and how well they adapt to change. Your child’s innate disposition influences the way he responds to virtually everything he encounters.” Steinberg page 70

1 Corinthians 7:7 “For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.”

Principle #7

Be Consistent

“ The easiest way to help a child learn how to behave appropriately is to make her good behavior a habit that she doesn’t even have to think about. You do this by being consistent from day to day in your parenting…consistency in your daily routines will breed consistency in your parenting.”

Doctrine and Covenants 3:1-2 “ The works, and the designs, and the purposes of God cannot be frustrated, neither can they come to naught. For God doth not walk in crooked paths, neither doth he turn to the right hand nor to the left, neither doth he vary from that which he hath said, therefore his paths are straight, and his course is one eternal round.”

Parenting

Someday I will get the chance to be a parent.  At least that is what we are dreaming for. So any chance I get, I like to soak up knowledge about being a parent. There are so many things that we can learn before being parents, or even while we are parents. I think some of the most important things I have learned about parenting is that:
-Children are brought to us for us, to teach them and for them to teach us.
-Bringing children into the worlds involves the Wife, the Husband AND the counsel of the Lord.
- The purpose of parenting is to Protect, Provide, Thrive and to Strive.

Something that was pointed out in class was that Parents have to show Respect to their children to earn it. Even though they are just children, they still need to have respect shown to them. "A person is a person, no matter How small"

Power

Today we talked about Power in relationships, and especially in how we use the power. Do you know there are 6 different types of power?

Coercive: Avoid pain- If you do this, then I won't do this...
Reward: There is something to gain from it.
Legit: Appropriate- The right to ask, the duty to respond
Expert: Based on your knowledge, you can change something they are doing because of what you know
Referent: Value for a person. You do or don't do something because your value is higher for the person
Informational: The best interest

Communication

A lot of people say that Communication is the biggest key to having a successful marriage. But that is not something I learned today in class. There are so many different forms of communication, and how we use that communication style is always different from other forms that people we know will use. From learning that, I think that the key to a successful marriage is listening. When you listen you can hear how they take on different styles of communication.
President Kimball said once "We not to only communicate in a way that we are clearly understood, but more in a way that we cannot be misunderstood"

The forms of communication we talked about were
 Non-verbal which was 51%/100%
Tone of Voice 35%/100%
and Words 14%/100%
It was amazing to me that Words was the LEAST that we used. I think that has a lot to say about how communication is in families and marriages. That is why I think listening is the Key, not just communicating.

Two week Combo

So.. I'll admit I have totally neglected my Blog for the past two weeks. Oops, sorry. But here is a two week quick little update about what we have been talking about in class.

Last Week we talked about Marriage. I'll just be brief and say a few things that I have learned.
While talking about marriage, we learned about the steps that it we have to take to get there.
First we start with Dating, Just follow the 3 P's. Paired off, Paid for, and Planned out. Then there is Courting them (old school term I know, but it fits) Courting is dating exclusive, you date one person.  After you have found the one you want to be with you get engaged, set and date and get a ring. In this stage you practice making important decisions together and rely more on each other. Finally comes marriage!! Marriage is such a wonderful thing. I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost one year. One important thing to remember before the wedding though, is that its more important to spend time planning your marriage than it is planning your wedding. Your marriage lasts forever, the wedding is one day. Focus on your marriage and each other. I was so shocked when Brother Williams told us that the average wedding is $20,000! I don't even know what I would do with all of that money in a wedding! We also talked about the big adjustments after getting married. All adjustments are different for every couple, and each will get hit harder with some adjustments than others. But working through those is what makes you come closer together. Marriage is a wonderful experience and I would change it for anything!

Recently we have been talking about Crises. Particularly in the family. It was so interesting to learn about all the different stressors that can cause one crisis in a family. But what stood out to me the most was actually not the crisis itself, but how families handled them. I'm sure we all know a family or two who faced a tragic time and they completely fell apart. But what I've learned from that is that it wasn't the crisis that tore them apart. It was actually their thoughts during the event! Families that can still have positive thinking, or can still think of the bright side are more likely to come together when such events happen. Its all in our Thoughts! Our thoughts lead to our actions, so if we were to fight hard to have positive thoughts, then our actions would follow. Learning that has really changed how I want to act and think from now on, and I have made it my goal to think more positively in all my doings, even if I have the worst day there is still sunshine somewhere.

Chocolate Chip cookies

This week in class we have been working on an assignment, a pretty fun one I thought. We were asked to write about our family and relate them to a tangible object. I think by my title you might be able to figure out the object that I have picked for my family. I had a lot of options written down like Ritz and Salsa, Guitars, piano, Dr.pepper ect. and if you know my family at all those things are defiantly my family. But to actually describe how each family member plays a part in our family I had to break it down more so I went with the lovely Chocolate Chip Cookies. So this is how I think our family works together (siblings don't get offended, I still love you)
Baking Soda & Flour: Mom and Dad. Together they provide the foundation for the cookie or the Family.
Salt: Ryan. It's very important to have salt in the recipe because without it they would just taste gross. But... salt alone is a bit well sharp in flavor I guess is a nice way to put it :)
Sugar(s): We use brown sugar and white sugar so I compared these to Me and my Sister Mel. We add the sweetness to the family and balance out the Salt :)
Eggs: Matt. Does your own thing, but blends with the rest really well. It also makes the cookies pretty fluffy... I don't know if matt would be happy hearing he adds the fluff....but he does :)
Vanilla: Jared. Vanilla is also sweet, but it's a very sensitive sweet flavor....Face it Jared, you can be sensitive (think back to when you were 14) But we need that in our family and that is why we love you :) Also, I think you're the only one who makes me Hug it out...so there is proof for you.
and of course Chocolate Chips: Nate. Adds the texture to the family and always changing things up on us.

That is my family as a chocolate chip cookie!